This morning, I woke up and thought to myself, "Wow. I feel kinda normal." It's exciting to think that my morning sickness may be beginning to lighten up. It has been a real struggle to keep up with things....okay, to be honest, I just haven't been keeping up with things, and I'm ready to take care of my family well again. We've had sandwiches for dinner more times than I'd like to admit, and I've spent lots of time laying in bed because of nausea or exhaustion. It's been forever since I've read bedtime stories to my little ones because I've been just trying to get everyone to bed so I can go lie down (or throw up). So, though it's great to know my body is growing this little one as it should, I'm so ready to be there for my husband and kids again! I'm also grateful that my worst sickness has coincided with our annual June break from school. And, providentially, I didn't sign up to do anything for our church's VBS that's too labor-intensive. I can show up and hold babies and play with toddlers in the nursery just fine!
When we found out about this new little one, I was happy, but also struggled mightily with feelings of fear. I wondered how I would do it....eight children? Can I do it? Can I homeschool them all and do a good job? Can I be a good Mom to so many? I knew that I was not trusting the Lord enough, that I needed to cast my worries and fears on Him. I prayed a lot, but the feelings still remained, and I felt overwhelmed with the future.
Because of a past problem with a pregnancy, my doctor ordered a sonogram for me right away. When I saw that little person that God is knitting together, and that tiny, tiny little heart beating away, tears streamed down my face. This is a little person that God has entrusted to our care. God will supply all our needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus!
Just today a kind friend was listening to me talk about my struggle with fear, and she offered "God will not give us more than we can handle." Though I completely understand her intention with this comment--that God won't forsake us--I wonder if I really agree with that statement. Sometimes I think God does give us more than we can handle. We come to the end of our strength when faced with sickness, or the death of a loved one, or heartache over relationships. We can't understand why we struggle or suffer, and all we can do is cry out to Him daily, asking Him to carry us, to work His will through our weakness. And He supplies all our needs. He handles our cares. He gives strength. We are weak but He is strong. We don't handle it. He does.
What a beautiful mystery. The God who made all things condescends to care for His children, to not only supply our needs in the midst of life's difficulties, but also to use those hard things to benefit us.
So, I'm praising God that He is bringing me out of fear of the future, and growing my faith in Him and His good plan. I'm sure I will struggle again--again and again. But I know my Heavenly Father is steadfast and faithful. I may well have more than I can handle, but I know He won't forsake me.