Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Net Finney: Part Deux

Below is a letter in response to someone who ordered the fictitious 'Net Finney' product (WARNING: please be sure you are sitting down and that you do not attempt to eat or drink anything while reading this article!).
Dear Mr. A_______

Thank you for your recent email expressing interest in our product "Net Finney." I found your personal testimony regarding how Calvinism and Reformed theology has negatively affected your family to be strangely touching. I am sorry to hear that it has brought a division between you and your wife, and I do sincerely hope that she will be free from the "spell of that cursed Frenchman" soon. Perhaps in time she will come to her senses.

I am thankful, though, that you have decided to stick by her side even though she has slid off into "rank heresy." I would suggest that you do all you can to understand what she's going through. You should definitely read whatever books she reads (so that you can gather polemical information against her position of course). I would also suggest listening to the very preachers she is listening to so that you also can understand what they are saying. Only with careful examination and study of her position will you be able to show the obvious unbiblicalness of the insane notion that God is sovereign in salvation.

Your enthusiasm over our product, though, only makes what I have to say all the more difficult. Unfortunately "Net Finney" is not real. The article which you read on our website is also merely a spoof or satire to show the great need out there for such a product to exist. Perhaps, one day soon, someone with some computer programming skills will pick up on this tremendous idea and finally develop it. Until such time it must merely remain a dream that perhaps one day might come true.

I am returning your check in the amount of $59.99. But with that money might I suggest several authors that will definitely help your wife understand things more clearly. Anything by Charles H. Spurgeon would be helpful, or John Murray. Others might include John Owen, Abraham Kuiper or Matthew Henry. I can promise you that writings by any of these men would certainly help to further put your wife on the "right path of thinking."

So please accept my apologies if our article raised your hopes. I will most certainly contact you if there are ever any further developments regarding "Net Finney."

Tom Slawson

"Calvinix" is also not real, though many of our readers have found that two Tylenol PM™ taken right before a Calvinistic sermon greatly decreases one's ability to absorb logical exposition.

Update: Net Finney version 2.0 FCS (First Customer Ship) will be available soon!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Family Comedian

Tonight I asked Noah to vacuum up the hamster bedding that was in the hall, so he got out our little hand held Dirt Devil. As he was putting it away, he said, "Mom, this is a bad vacuum. It takes all the dirt to hell." Never a dull moment, huh?

Monday, May 21, 2007

It's a Guy Thing

Yesterday evening we all were outside enjoying the beautiful weather and Kevin was mowing the grass. Joseph was absolutely fascinated with the lawn mower... The noise? The fact that it has wheels? Just because it's a machine? Anyway, I was trying to weed the flower bed and every time I turned my back, Joseph would make a beeline for wherever Daddy was. It was kindof scary because he'd walk right up to the (moving) mower. Finally Kevin just gave in and carried Joe while he mowed. (Who needs the gym, honey?). Pretty cute.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


I love to read this lady's blog, as it is encouraging and often hilarious. I just had to link to this recent post.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mom to the Rescue

It's been awhile since I have written anything, but there's a good reason. I have been feeling quite sick lately; not the virus type of sick, but the 'I have a little person growing inside me' sick! Yes, we are going to have another sweet little one, on or around December 21! Last week was a particularly hard week. I was struggling with constant nausea, daily vomiting (too much information?), and feeling very tired. You can imagine that all that doesn't promise a happy and productive school day with the kids. So, Kevin called my Mom and asked her to come help me for a few days, and, being the wonderful and selfless woman she is, she drove up last Sunday. It has been a wonderful week--I feel like a kid again, and my Mom is babying ME! She has tirelessly done loads of laundry, cooking, bathing and playing with kids, helping with school, and even the hated IRONING. I have enjoyed sleeping in and taking naps frequently, completely able to relax knowing that all the kids would RATHER be with Grandma!

So, I am really thankful to the Lord that he has blessed me with a Mother such as this. I want to be a servant to my children and grandchildren just like her someday. It has been years since I have been with Mom on Mother's Day, so that's a treat, too. Also, I must thank my dear ol' Dad for giving Mom up for a week, even though he had some unpleasant dental stuff to have done and heal from. Thanks, Dad, for your sacrifice too.

Here's a little tribute to you, Mom. I love you!

Proverbs 31, verses 10-30:

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.."

I know that Dad feels this way about you, Mom!

"She selects the wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar."

You always made special dresses and costumes for us as kids, and always made sure that we ate healthily because you wanted the best for us.

"She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls."

My kids say, "We know that when Grandma gets up early, she's making us something good for breakfast, like eggs and pancakes!"

"She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard."

You have always been wise with money and had a head for business.

"She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks."

Sometimes, I think you work a little too vigorously!

"She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."

You have such a soft heart for others and sacrifice weekly of your time and talents to help others.

"When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple."

You always took care of your family and home, even though you were a busy working mother. You made home a beautiful and pleasant place to be.

"Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land."

We all know you make Dad look good!

"She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

You trust the Lord with your future.

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

I love you, Mom! You are truly "blessed".